We are indoctrinated to believe that institutions have the right answers and we do not question them, as we might. Growing up in a dysfunctional family of domestic violence, mental illness, and alcoholism, I wanted to find a home where it was safe. I had to endure it, so I began reading every biography in the school library trying to find answers; how did others do their lives. However, in the 40s a child was to be seen and not heard. It is true that once the student is willing, the teacher will appear.
When my mother remarried, my life became worse because she was mentally ill and married a man who could not love, either. The abuse grew to be 24 hours a day. I was a walking robot, in survival with no clue how to do life differently than my family modeled. The pain within was stuffed by becoming an overachiever, consequentially Valedictorian and a workaholic with seven years of college.
I found alcohol and a drinking partner while in school. We were learning to be music teachers. Our relationship felt familiar. We were a matched pair of dysfunctional students. In reality, I was digging my hole of despair deeper. At that time, I did not know like attracts like. I married what I was used to.
I was trying to create a happy family, looking good to the community and in the schools where we taught. However, at home I become his hostage. Because of the abuse at home, I jumped and asked how high. This permeated our marriage for 30 years.
The idea not to drink was a new idea. We drove to Canada for a nice celebration of not drinking for three weeks. Life was going better. However, when he picked up the first drink in favor of Happy Hour on our last evening, life changed forever. I spoke up for the first time since he raped me years earlier. The alcohol and his sex addiction took over. He was furious. He told me in threatening terms that we were heading home from Harrison Hot Springs. It was 2 a.m. in the morning.
I was in a threatening situation for my life. This was not the first time. I knew I would not get home alive. I prayed from my heart instead of from the church hymnal for help, which surprised me. I found myself saying, “God please help me, I really do not want to die.”
Within a week, I ended up in treatment for addiction to prescriptions from the doctor and alcohol. The treatment program educated me about the disease of alcoholism. They told me I was a sick person needing to get well.
I attended church since the age of five, but this was the first time I heard about spirituality. They presented a 12-step program for a spiritual daily reprieve. I am eternally grateful now, with 34 years of sobriety. This opened up a new door to recovery and the answers I was so fervently reading to find, earlier.
I started thinking for myself. I found that knowledge from society such as schools, health organizations, governmental laws, and regulations, and even churches, led me down a path that was not of my choosing; this was a big awareness. I was like a puppet and all of these institutions pulled my strings without my realizing it. I was a sheep, a hopeless follower, blindly following.
I was ready for truthful information. I had to sort the reality from the false. How do I continue my launching forward instead of going off the cliff as a doomed conformist? This change of paths from the past to go forward would take courage and faith. I decided to let God lead me through life, realizing that my parents had not grown up themselves and could not model adulthood for me. I did not have a clue about how to conduct my life.
“Truth is the most powerful element in the universe. It unlocks the door to understanding and discovering a new world,” said H. P. Blavatsky, founder of Theosophy in 1875. It is time to open Pandora’s Box of denial so the hidden falsehoods can fly out. Knowing the truth will set me free.
Acknowledgment of reality is a choice. Recognition, acceptance, declaration, and demonstration are four steps into reality. Seeing the bigger picture of my life puts things into perspective. It also shows me where I erred. With honesty and acceptance, I can start to rebuild a real foundation upon which to create a new life.
I was not living, but silently dying from inner desperation. When I surrendered to a higher power of the universe, this changed the basis of my life from a fear-based life into a love-based life. Cleaning out the old for new ideas to refill the space is important. A saying goes, “Love is an expression of the willingness to create space in which something is allowed to change.”
When I see myself as not good enough, in lack, or not being safe, I am in denial of the real me. Thinking that it is humble to deny my talents and abilities, I really deny the divinity within. My negative feelings and emotions ran my life. They disconnected me from feeling as if I belonged. When I deny myself, I deny the love within.
Treatment taught me to start my day in meditation. One morning, I heard from the silent voice, there is nothing wrong with you and there never was; you are a good person. This was the first positive message I ever heard and it changed my focus, immediately.
Resistance to change keeps entrenched people from questioning what we are doing. Acceptance of the truth ends denial. Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” It is time to examine my life. Most people are not into self-examining and inquiring. When we decide to move out of our previous thinking, we threaten the status quo.
In addition, Socrates said, “I cannot teach anybody anything. I can only make them think.” Thinking out of the box is scary for many. Opening Pandora’s Box and letting out the old ideas and finding truthful answers is not supported, generally. Therefore, it is significant to find people who support my new ideas and purpose. My friends and career may need to change.
I am powerless when I am in denial. When I allow new concepts into my life, I can change my thinking. Acceptance of these new ideas of truth, places me in power. I become responsible for my life. I am able to create a true reality.
In changing my beliefs, actions, and thoughts, I can replace them with positive thoughts, knowing, and behaviors. Old feelings can flow out allowing space for good feelings and grace to fill the new void. “This too shall pass” is a popular saying. Over time, continuing my self-analysis becomes necessary to grow into maturity.
Often, it takes a crisis to stop and scrutinize situations and then determine your own wisest solution. That manic drive home from our vacation, brought a decision that I needed help, if I were to arrive home alive. I become conscious at last that I had to break the old cycle of my not taking responsibility for my life. Instinctively I knew I had to take some action.
Being honest with me made it obvious that my old thinking was irrational. It had to be, how else could I justify my old behavior? If you read a dictionary definition of rationalization, you will find that rationalization is giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behavior and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity.
It was time to choose a loving spirit of the universe for my focus and care. Relying on spiritual support instead of a husband, others, places, and material things as money, brought strength, confidence, and courage upon which I could finally build a real life.
I needed to rely on the spirit of love to take care of me as I moved into the adventure of life. I had been spiritually bankrupt and now I wanted a conscious connection to my higher power. Surprisingly, my new path appeared. I found a sincere desire for open-mindedness, honesty, and willingness to change. I accepted that my will was not working.
Now, I know the highest desire of the soul is to experience unconditional love, the presence of God. As human beings, we frequently do not think that we are loved. These old feelings and emotions get in the way of accepting our inheritance of unconditional love. Today, feelings are a guide and feedback, so I can course-correct my life and feel good. Love never fails.
My choice is to grow beyond my childish reactions and respond in maturity to life’s challenges. I tell myself each day that I accept the perfect love of God and know that I am dearly loved. This brought a sense of assurance and self-reliance to live a new life dependent on the love of the universe. In addition, each morning, I choose to turn in all things to the Father of Light. My book, Paradigm Busters Reveal the Real You, has the steps sharing how I am transforming my life.
