My path to a better life brings new ideas and understandings for growing. Acknowledging that my life was desperate brought a new vision. Through many perils, I learned that self-honesty is the best policy. I thought I was a great manager, keeping me safe from harm. The truth is that I was the walking dead, terrified, and looked anorexic.
It was necessary to move from functioning in the problem to focusing on the solution. Realizing my life was actually based in fear was life-changing. The toughest part for me was to acknowledge that I have to change my mindset and behaviors of reacting from being a fear-based person into responding in loving solutions.
As I began my new journey into honesty, I discovered that I was a control freak. I found that it was not my job to manage my life or others’. It is not my job to figure out the outcome. My motivation was not from love but survival and need. Learning that walking in faith brings better results was a new idea for me.
After my divorce and on my own, I could focus on me to create a new foundation for life. It has taken several years to establish trust, healthy communications, and good feelings. The inner work has been worth it.
I was not that wonderful person because my optimistic emotions were blocked by past harms and terror. I discovered that my negative emotions did damage others. I could not love my family if I was full of fear. Fear stops love. I made a vow to myself not to place myself in harmful situations again. When I cleared my side of the street, the world turned in a novel direction. My books, You Tubes, counseling have tools for creating a new basis upon which to build.
In meditation, I heard that I was to treat myself like a princess, because I was the daughter of the king of kings. I cleaned out my old emotions to clear my channel for extending real loving thoughts. I identified and individually released my negative emotions, thinking, and responses, and replaced them with my new healthy ways of accepting conditions without judgments and criticisms. Allowing intuition to guide my next right move works well. Today, I do the necessary footwork for my part while leaving the results to the universe.
In this inner work, my feelings can come from my heart and not my old hurts. I need to own my side of the situations. Living my amends means praying for the person while not continuing that old behavior.
I had always felt like a victim in my 30-year violent marriage. It took 18 years after my divorce to feel my part in some of our clashes in my domestic relationship. Surprisingly, I unwittingly participated; I was not the victim and he the bad person. In a realization, I found that I was unintentionally defending myself from my past harms while he felt subconsciously attacked. Inadvertently, I was invisibly attacking him. Others saw his observable reactions of defending himself as his attacking me. Sadly, this passive-aggressive game intensified over years. I got honest and realized I was the cause of many conflicts. Finally, I wrote him a letter of apology for my side of our troubles.
Owning my side of the difficulties brought the understanding that I was as much at fault. We were emotionally two little children trying to make it in an adult world, but hurting each other in the process. With my continuously praying for his well-being and forgiveness, he quit harassing me and later moved out of state.
Reading the book, Sermon on the Mount, by Emmet Fox brought an understanding. Ephesians 6:11, KJV: “Put on the whole armor of God that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” If I am sending out love to another, there is nothing to attack; love becomes my amour. Things change with the full armor of God. The enemy does not see me; all he sees is the light of God shining. The battle is won and lost in my mind.
Hearing that the best revenge is living well, I decided to bring my life into a better experience through living spiritual principles. This served me well when, several years later, I was invited to our twin grandsons’ high school graduation. I wanted to support my grandsons’ commencement. For the 48 hours of celebrations and the ceremony, I was able to be around my ex-husband and not play the victim; I stayed in my adult consciousness. I had matured. That I did not play the old game was an enormous victory for me.
My grief blindsided me when I heard of his death. Finally, I understood the damaging childhood that he had to play this part in my life. Happily, I have grown beyond reacting from my past abuse. I needed to forgive, be in gratitude, find compassion, and have unconditional love for him. In my prayers and meditations, I have thanked him. His part in my life brought me into adulthood. I now have empathy and a clean heart.
I had to face my issues and grow beyond them. Finally, I have peace, happiness, and contentment. I am pleased to have a healthy empowered life style today. I learned this was my path into adulthood. It is the gift of being liberated to live serenely in the now. Currently being in a 20-year relationship of unconditional love has been my reward.
